I was with the man who abused me for over 10 years. He abused me emotionally and physically.
He was a cool guy. I fell in love with him because he was fun and spontaneous. He used to proud of me for who I am. I can’t exactly remember when he changed but one day, he became very controlling.
I remember the first time he hit me. I don’t remember what I did. It was such a small thing and I was devastated. I couldn’t even tell my friends about it. I was so ashamed of what happened. He said he did it because I was being a bitch. He said it was my fault. Within 24 hours he apologized to me. He said he was very sorry and never wanted to hurt me again. I didn’t want to forgive him. But I felt sorry for him...
His father was abusive. He grew up watching his dad beating his mom. He had told me he didn’t want to become his father and deep down I knew I wanted to help. I don’t know what I was thinking but I thought I could help him so I forgave him…
And then it happened again and again and again. Each time he made me believe it was my fault and deep down I still felt like I could help him. Again and again and again, I forgave him...
He used to love me getting attention. I was his trophy girlfriend. But that turned into jealousy. He forced me to dress differently. He started asking me a lot of questions of who I talk to or hung out with. He never trusted me. Once I met up with my old friend (who’s gay) and had lunch with him. When he found out, he pulled my hair and dragged me to the living room and hit me again. He didn’t care what I had to say. And if I was too tired to have sex, he always said “it’s because you are cheating”
Once he tried to kill me. He went to kitchen and got a knife and he put the knife to my throat. He said he would kill me if I leave him. I was very scared. I should have called the police. But I thought he would still kill me if I call 911.
I’m a happy person in general. I laugh a lot. He started getting annoyed of me laughing or being excited. He didn’t want me to be happy. And I stopped being myself in front of him. I thought it was a small sacrifice to make for the sake of our relationship.
He also told me many times that I don’t deserve anyone else. Nobody would love me but him and he was so persistent in his abuse that I believed him. At this point, I lost many friends because anytime I talked to them he said I was cheating. Even if I talked to my girlfriends, he was accusing me for being a lesbian and cheating on him with them. He isolated me from everyone else, likely to control me for himself.
After years of abuse I finally left and I wanted to get divorce and be done with everything . But after years of abuse, my self-confidence was at an all-time low and he convinced me not to go through with the divorce even if I was done with him.
And the things got really bad to worse after that. He was so angry all the time. I felt like there was no way to communicate with him even if I wanted to have a civil relationship with him for the sake of our child. He was constantly complaining about everything about me and called me names. At this point I was like a zombie. I had no feelings and even if I seemed happy on the outside, deep down I wasn’t.
Right before last thanksgivings, we had a small argument. It was such a dumb thing but he didn’t like what I said or did. And we didn’t talk at all until shortly before xmas. Right before xmas, he literally slapped me for no reason. He walked by me and slapped me. And when I asked him why, he tried to throw a glass jar at me. To make me more upset, didn’t even get a xmas gift for our child.
I didn’t deserve any of this abuse. I don’t know why I let it happened for years. He completely destroyed my sense of who I was.
After being separated for almost 3 years, I finally open my heart to someone else and this man made me realize that I didn’t deserve all the abuse and that I deserved better. Through this relationship and me regaining my own self-worth, I decided it was time to get a divorce and tell my ex that I wanted to end this relationship for good.
As expected, my ex made it very difficult on me. He would stalk me, call me endlessly, abuse me, confront me and threaten to commit suicide if we did not get back together. It was very difficult and there were many times where I cried and lost sleep and wanted to give up but through the support of my friends, family and my new partner, I pushed forward with the divorce.
This was not before one final incident, he had asked if we could speak and I foolishly let him into my home. We had talked then things quickly escalated and I am not sure the sequence of events but out of nowhere, he grabbed me from behind and I feared for my life. The whole situation is a blur to me now but somehow, I was able to escape and call the police. When the police had asked me if I wanted to press charges I paused and hesitated because in the past, i would not have gone this far but knowing now that I deserve better and what he was doing was not right - I decided to take legal actions
This past Monday, we went to child protection services due to the incident. I was given a sheet that listed out the signs of abuse - there must have been 15 or so signs of abuse and it really hit me when I checked all but 2 signs of abuse. It hit me hard and was the final nail in the coffin that I can’t sweep these problems under the rug any more and that I needed to share my story with others.
Did I waste my life with him? No. Because of what I went through I’m no longer blind. It was very painful but I’m a better and stronger person now. I wish him nothing but the best. I hope he never treat another woman this way. I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through
I wanted to share this story not only as my own self-medication but also to help those who are suffering any form of abuse to recognize the signs and do something about it. I am confident independent woman who believes that she can do almost anything but even with all this confidence, I let myself be abused and forgive a man that never deserved my love.
If you are going through abuse, please do something about it and seek help. I promise you are not alone.
March 22, 2018
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I don’t know why I stayed
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