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I'm battered not broken - Katrina Miles wrote this in October 2014; Katrina was murdered in May 2018 together with her mother and 4 children

15/5/2018

 
I stare into the depths of my worries
The crease between the frown
The hollowness of my cheeks is an echo
My stomach beats to the litany of my hurts

I stare and stare and stare
Hoping for salvation
Hoping hoping hoping
All peace is lost, fragmented, worn
I glare myself into submission

The shrieks of my children
The echo of my shouts
The thump of my dignity slammed against a wall
The odour of stale beer has a name called fear

The creak of a door
The sound of a petrol ute
Stiffens our shoulders, hurtles our spines uptight
Paste those fake smiles, quick hurry quick hurry quick hurry

Shh shh child
Please Please Please be good
Be calm, be still
Make it easy,

Oh the shame
Make it easy
How can I be five places at once
How can I save my family from open handed fists, from cruel, persistent words

Obey, Obey, Obey, Obey
How I hate that world, that word
Obey Obey Obey obey
How can I break free

There is no freedom for me
I stare, I stare, I stare
I fear I am lost.
But my children my children my children

My children, my children, my children
They are not lost
They are not lost!
And so nor am me

I shout, I shout, I shout
No No No No
I leave, I come, I leave, I come
I have left ....

In my head I am there
Here I am suspended
Save my children, save, save, save them
In my head I am there

The walls echo with the thump of my body
The fists in the doors
The creak of a beer bottle being opened
The shame behind our doors.

I look in the young eyes that still love me
I ask myself, so ashamed
How can my children still love me
I stayed so long, so long

I am battered
My cells echo with his words
'No one would want you', 'worthless', 'nutcase', 'problem', 'your the problem', 'your fault', 'bad mother', 'look at your family history', 'I love you', 'bitch' .....
The agony is a death to my soul, pin pricks in my skin

I asked God to save me and he was there
I asked myself to save me and yet I could not
I look into my only daughter's eyes,
I look into my three son's and I can

I am battered, I am not broken
I am strong, I am fragile
I am bruised so deep I ache
I ache I ache I ache
I am battered, I am not broken


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