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The Two Most Fundamental Steps in Breaking Out of an Abusive Relationship

30/6/2016

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The Most Fundamental Steps in Breaking Out of an Abusive Relationship

​1. Document Your Experience

Document, Document, Document! Susan Murphy-Milano’s work influenced my life in the 90’s when she so potently expressed the value in documenting the abuse. However, at that time, I heard her coaching as a means for me to display and/or evidence the abuse to others...in order to protect my children and myself.
Fast-forward a couple of decades. Today, I add another profound value in documenting the abuse. Doing this one thing solidifies your understanding of your experience. Through the mere connecting personal events chronologically, you can step out of the river and experience the flow of water with detached awareness. (please read that again)
Through this perspective, you can more objectively assess your circumstances and options. And moreover, from this place you are open to insights expressing your higher good...your best interest...what’s most right for you.
You have a platform within you that shows you your truth...just because (that’s how healing works). The natural tendency is to return to homeostasis. The human psyche is charmed by health and well-being.
If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, I invite you to step out of the FOG (fear/obligation/guilt) engendered through the emotional exploitation and bask in the light.

2. Break Your Silence

Never underestimate the power of your speaking your truth. You hear it for what it is when you speak of it outside of the relationship itself.
So for example, when you open up the abuse dialogue to your healthcare provider or when you go to the police, or you go to your clergy or you confide in a family member or friend, your understanding of the domestic abuse can transition from confusion to clarity.
In some respect, this action in and of itself also aids in your stepping out of the river. Your perspective is through a lens created that is untainted by the direct influence of the abusive relationship itself.
Another way of saying this is: the toxicity within it becomes clearer to you, because you are interfacing with it through non-intoxicated eyes that participate in it through “love,” “habit,” “blindness” or some conscious and/or unconscious “need.”


from 
http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/articles/document_and_break_your_silence_520.php​
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6 Reasons to Fear Leaving a Narcissist

26/6/2016

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There are significant reasons one should fear leaving a narcissist.

A narcissist can escalate when an individual decides to leave or divorce them.

They can become outraged, enraged, indignant, irrational and more. Many of the same qualities of the average separating individual; however, the narcissist never balances their emotions and finds healing. They truly believe that the other person has permanently done them wrong.

This is a frightening phenomenon and why narcissism is labeled a personality disorder.
Narcissists lack empathy, a developmental stage you learn in childhood.

They do not have the ability to feel other people’s pain.

They live in their own perception of reality. They live in their own world.

They feel their own pain intensely. In fact, so strongly that they are arrogant and indignant and unforgiving if they believe they have been crossed.

​They are difficult to leave because they are not seeking resolution or divorce. They are seeking retribution.

1. They have zero empathy.  A narcissist lacks empathy and does not feel other people’s pain so they will endanger the spouse and children they are leaving. They will feel no need to provide money to feed their family, have health insurance for their family or worry about their family.

2. They are punishers. A narcissist will punish the person who they are divorcing. They will lower their income, quit their jobs or declare bankruptcy and make divorce a ridiculously elongated process just so that they can win.

3. They are controllers. A narcissist will control a spouse throughout the divorce. They will keep bringing their spouse back to court, they will keep fighting over property and money.

4. They are bullies. They will go after a spouse again and again, in a game of cat and mouse. Sadly, the bully will not be easily shut down as their immediate family is equally as narcissistic and their friends will be oblivious in some ways because they only see the charming bully not the true bully.

5. They will use their own children. A narcissist will use and confuse their own children. They will use their own children if it means they can manipulate the outcome that they want.

6. They live in a false perception of reality. Worse they actually believe their perception of reality. A narcissist will be abusive. They will stoop to whatever means possible to justify their perception of reality.

A narcissist is a damaged individual. They are so broken that they will attempt to break the person that they are leaving to make themselves feel grandiose. Like all master bully’s they domineer in an abusive manner.

One of the most frightening aspects of the narcissist is that they walk amongst society not always detectable. They are typically attractive, charming and successful people. Yet, they are anything but that.

They are complicated. They are insecure.

There are some theories that narcissists are anything, but insecure with their over-exaggerated sense of ego; however, common sense dictates otherwise. Confident people don’t behave this way.

Do not fear the narcissist. Though you will when you initially try to break away from them.

Do not fear the bully.
The bully is not and never has been strong. The person who defies the bully is strong.

from http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/howgreatthoupart/2016/06/5-reasons-fear-leaving-narcissist.html#0C4fUFwICM0br8rQ.99


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Domestic violence orders to go national

25/6/2016

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Victoria is working to ensure state domestic violence orders can be enforced Australia-wide under a proposed national scheme.
State and territory leaders agreed to the scheme last year and legislation introduced into the Victorian parliament on Thursday means state orders can be included.
"This is the first step in ensuring domestic violence orders made in Victoria can be enforced in other jurisdictions and that their orders can also be enforced in this state," Attorney-General Martin Pakula said in a statement.


from http://www.news.com.au/national/breaking-news/domestic-violence-orders-to-go-national/news-story/e74bcaab4abd402adbb3390c632f9823

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C'mon: all political parties please come onboard

23/6/2016

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The ALP has committed that they will legislate to prevent survivors of family violence being directly cross-examined by their abusers in Family Court if elected.

It's an important commitment -- but action to change this horrifying flaw in the Family Court shouldn't be contingent on which party is elected next weekend. ​
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What is the abuser seeking to control?

23/6/2016

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It’s no secret that abuse is about control. What might be less clear is what the abuser control is trying to control. Is it now or later? Is the abuser set on conquering the moment or is he/she plotting for a longer vision?

​Read the full article here.

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PM takes down McGuire

23/6/2016

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Collingwood president Eddie McGuire's jokey comments about drowning Fairfax journalist Caroline Wilson have elicited a rebuke from Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull.
Speaking at a press conference in Darwin on Tuesday, the Prime Minister weighed into the furore for the first time, saying "there is no place for disrespecting women" – especially by public figures in privileged positions.
Read the full article here.
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A thoughtful response to Eddie McGuire's 'joke'

22/6/2016

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​https://theconversation.com/eddie-mcguire-caroline-wilson-and-when-playful-banter-goes-very-very-wrong-61271
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Eddie McGuire and James Brayshaw joke about holding one a women under water against her will. The AFL must act.

21/6/2016

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Last Monday, two current AFL Football Presidents, Eddie McGuire and James Brayshaw, participated in a disgraceful exchange normalising attitudes of disrespect and violence toward a woman when they were at an event highlighting the worthy cause of research into Motor Neurone Disease

Their behaviour was totally unacceptable. High profile men cannot be allowed to get away with such casual promotion of violence against women. 

What they did does far more harm than a thousand themed matches like last night's Western Bulldogs vs Geelong in a White Ribbon match: a game designed to raise awareness of domestic violence and violence against women.


​Listen to the exchange here.
​Read the article here.
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Study finds imprisonment has no effect on domestic violence perpetrators re-offending 

18/6/2016

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Prison time does little to deter domestic violence perpetrators from re-offending, new research by the New South Wales Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research has revealed but that's not to say that imprisonment because serious domestic violence offenders should be imprisoned to serve the interests of justice.

​Read the article here.
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Today is World Elder Abuse Awareness Day

16/6/2016

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A message from the Commissioner for Senior Victorians with World Elder Abuse Awareness Day and the Royal Commission into Family Violence in the spotlight
June 15 is World Elder Abuse Awareness Day, an international day to raise awareness in the community of elder abuse, and how it affects older people.
Elder abuse is any act which causes harm to an older person and is carried out by someone they know and trust, such as family and friends. It is a form of family violence and includes physical, psychological, emotional and sexual abuse, and neglect, and using someone’s money, property or other assets illegally or improperly. It can affect anyone, irrespective of background, gender, ethnicity or financial situation.
Elder abuse is a complex issue, and it can be very difficult for people experiencing abuse within their homes to break the silence and speak about their situation.
It is important to know that if you are concerned, or know of someone at risk or experiencing elder abuse, confidential help is available by calling Seniors Rights Victoria on 1300 368 821, or by talking to your trusted health professional.

For more information about elder abuse, visit the Elder Abuse page on Seniors Online or the Seniors Rights Victoria website at www.seniorsrights.org.au. To find out more about World Elder Abuse Awareness Day and events, visit www.elderabuseawarenessday.org.au.


from ​https://www.seniorsonline.vic.gov.au/news-opinions/video/Elder-abuse-is-family-violence
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National Press Club Address: Family Violence Forum with Rosie Batty and Danny Blay

15/6/2016

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worth watching at ​http://iview.abc.net.au/programs/national-press-club-address/NC1606C021S00#playing
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The NSW Government has announced the roll out of tracking devices for FV offenders

12/6/2016

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NSW Police Assistant Commissioner Mick Fuller, said the tracking devices would be an Australian first and they were about stopping perpetrators before their next crime. Magistrates would determine which offenders were fitted with tracking devices, giving victims more protection.
"The criteria will first be a criminal charge that's linked to domestic and family violence ... and certainly their history will be an important part of accessing which perpetrator should wear the bracelet," Assistant Commissioner Fuller said. ​"We need to protect the next victim, who is a potential homicide."

Ms Goward said the tracking devices would send a very clear message to offenders, that if they breach a domestic violence order, they will be caught.




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Let's change the story: violence against women in Australia

12/6/2016

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Australia has a choice. We can change the story that currently sees a woman murdered every week by a current or former partner. We can choose a future where women and their children live free from violence. Put simply, violence against women and their children is preventable.
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Former Victorian Police Officer Imprisoned for Domestic Violence

10/6/2016

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Former Victorian police officer Shaun Perry (pictured) stared at his estranged wife and children as he learned he would spend more than two-and-a-half years behind bars for offences including spitting in his wife’s face, pulling her hair and assaulting her with a weapon.
​Read the story here.
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Tanya's story

10/6/2016

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Sometimes it's not easy to work out what doing the right thing is. Often it's a balancing act of trusting your gut and trusting the norms and advice of those around you. But what if your gut conflicts with everything you've been taught to believe and with everything everyone around you expects of you?
This recording of Tanya's true story, shows how, sometimes, doing the right thing can mean that you're doing everything wrong.
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Man posts tributes to dead partner onto Facebook just hours before his arrest

9/6/2016

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Steve Samaros posted tributes  to his partner, Tamara Turner, on Facebook just hours before he was arrested over her death. Tamara becomes the 36th Australian woman to have died as a result of family violence this year.
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How police navigate the complex terrain of domestic violence. 

3/6/2016

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Australian police handle one domestic violence matter every two minutes. How do they negotiate these intimate, complex and often dangerous situations?
​
Read the story here.
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Changes to 1800RESPECT that should have all women worried

3/6/2016

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​The Federal government has outsourced 1800 respect, which is currently staffed by qualified social workers and psychologists, to Medibank which means that, should you need to access a domestic violence or sexual assault hotline, your call may no longer be answered by an experienced psychologist or social worker but by a triage system which will then direct you to websites, to state-based services or to trauma counsellors.
​Read about it here.
​Sign the petition protesting this change here.

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Survivors launch handbook to escape violence

1/6/2016

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A group of Queensland women who - without the fanfare of a big government review, or the support of deep pockets - have chronicled a guide for others escaping the brutal force being waged behind closed doors in our suburbs.

The book Broken to Brilliant tells their heartfelt stories of strength, courage and success as they struggled to rebuild their lives after abuse. Their powerful stories offer inspiration, love and laughter.

The book offers practical steps to pick up the pieces financially, emotionally and/or spiritually and can be bought from here.
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