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The 10 faces of perpetrators

31/3/2019

 
It’s helpful to put a face to a name, like when you meet someone in person for the first time after only 'talking' to them on Facebook. And it works the other way, too: it’s helpful to put a name to a face. We all tend to categorise people to help us keep them straight in our head: Ah, that’s Suzie, she’s the ballroom dancer. That’s Dave, the banjo enthusiast. That's Mary from Church. That's Bob from school.

Some 16 years ago, Lundy Bancroft gave names to the faces of different abusers; names which still resonate with survivors trapped in the cycle of abuse or those who have escaped and are beginning to sort through what happened.

Bancroft spent nearly three decades studying and writing about abuse, trauma and recovery. He advocates for the safety of abused women and children, serving as a custody evaluator, child abuse investigator and expert witness. He’s written five books on abuse, after having worked with more than 1,000 abusive men in his counselling groups, attempting to understand abusers’ strategies and tactics and how they keep women trapped in a cycle of violence.

According to Bancroft, most abusers fit into one of the following 10 'types' although most abusers show traits of several 'types'.

Does an abuser you know fit one of these categories?
  1. The Demand Man
    is highly entitled and becomes enraged if he isn’t catered to or if he is inconvenienced in any way. The partner of this man feels like nothing she does is ever good enough. He criticizes her frequently. When he doesn’t get what he feels he is due, he punishes his partner. He becomes furious if anything is demanded of him.

  2. Mr Right
    believes he is the ultimate authority on every subject under the sun. He brushes aside a partner’s opinions and finds little value in her thoughts or insights. He is constantly teaching his partner, often with condescension in his voice. His control is focused on telling his partner how to think. When she disagrees, he becomes even more arrogant, escalating to insults, canceling plans, leaving dinner, talking bad about his partner to others, possibly becoming physically violent. 

  3. The Water Torturer
    assaults his partner psychologically without ever raising his voice. He tends to stay calm in arguments, often with a superior or contemptuous grin on his face, smug and self-assured. The impact of this is that his partner can end up being the one frustrated and yelling, at which time he’ll say, “See, you’re the abusive one, not me.” The partner begins to blame herself for everything and may begin to think something is psychologically wrong with her. Physical abuse make take the form of slaps “for your own good” rather than explosive rage.

  4. The Drill Sergeant
    takes controlling behaviour to an extreme level, running his partner’s life in every way that he can, from dictating whether or not she can leave the house to what she can wear, even demanding the children report her activities to him. He is often fanatically jealous, verbally assaultive, and almost sure to be physically violent in order to get his partner to submit to his control. This is one of the most dangerous abusers to both live with and leave.

  5. Mr Sensitive
    appears to be soft-spoken, gentle and supportive, presenting himself as an ally to women, and using a lot of “psychobabble” from self-help books to support his beliefs. This is a façade he is wrapping himself in to cover up the abuse, which the partner is likely to blame herself for when it begins. He will blame his partner for anything he is dissatisfied by in life, insinuate she is hurting his feelings constantly, and will start to exhibit a mean side that no one ever sees but his partner. Mr. Sensitive has the potential to turn physically frightening, but speaks of his violence as “anger” not “abuse” and will blame it on you. 

  6. The Player
    is often good-looking and sexy (but sometimes he just thinks he is). He may be hyper-focused on sex and spending as much time as possible in bed during the beginning of the relationship. After a while, his interest seems to wane and he is caught flirting with or even sleeping with other women. Most of his satisfaction comes from exploiting women. Besides chronic infidelity, he can be verbally abusive and intimidating when his advances aren’t reciprocated, or when he is called out on his behaviour. He often claims he suffers from “sex addiction,” though he is only addicted to using women. 

  7. Rambo
    tends to be particularly aggressive with everyone not just his partner. He gets a thrill from intimidating others. He has an exaggerated, stereotypical view of what a man is supposed to be, and sees women as inferior. He has little patience for weakness or indecision. He may start by making women feel safe and protected, but it is only a matter of time before he turns on his partner, using violence to “keep her in line.”

  8. The Victim
    has had a hard and unfair life. He is constantly misunderstood. He tells heart-rendering stories, often about how he was abused by his former partner, manoeuvring a woman into hating his ex-partner and may succeed in enlisting her in harassing his ex. (There are tips in the book that explain how to know if your partner really was abused previously.) The Victim is highly self-centred in relationships. If you stand up to him, you are abusing him as well. He can feel justified in mistreating his partner because he feels you are doing the same to him. He takes no responsibility for his actions. 

  9. The Terrorist
    is highly controlling and extremely demanding, but his worst aspect is that he frequently reminds his partner that he could kill her at any time. This can be like a type of psychological torture, and he may never be physically violent toward her. He may use threats toward the children to terrorise his partner. There is often strange veiled statements (“You have six months left”) or bizarre, sadistic behaviours. He is likely to have been severely abused as a child, but the psychological issues are so deep you cannot help him heal.His goal is to paralyse his partner with fear so that she won’t dare leave him. When she does, he may stalk or threaten her for a long time. 

  10. The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser
    doesn't so much form a separate category, writes Bancroft, but any of the abusers mentioned above can have psychiatric or substance abuse problems. What is important to remember, though, is that this is not the cause of the abuse but it can contribute to the severity of the abuse. Certain mental illnesses can increase the chance an abuser will be dangerous and use physical violence. An abuser who goes off medication is unpredictable. Those who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder have a highly distorted self-image. Many abusers who are mentally ill want women to know they are in order to avoid responsibility for their attitudes and behaviour. 

This article is adapted from here
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The NRA is trying to block the Violence Against Women Act

28/3/2019

 
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The National Journal has reported that the National Rifle Association (NRA) in America will oppose the renewal of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) which was first signed into law in 1994 but lapsed last month after Congress did not extend it.
The Act calls for the tightening of gun laws for domestic abusers but the NRA is calling it a 'poison pill'.

VAWA provides funds for programs aimed at preventing domestic violence. 

Read more about this here and here

Violence against women is at national emergency levels

27/3/2019

 
One woman is murdered a week by her current or former partner. It's time we called the problem what it is - a national emergency.

Purchase Natasha Stott Despoja's book, On Violence, here
Listen to Natasha Stott Despoja's podcast here 

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The links between animal abuse and domestic violence are well established

27/3/2019

 
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An abusive person is jealous, often without reason; controlling — of money, his/her partner's social life — and prone to angry outbursts over seemingly trivial things.

He/She may make threats of violence, or actually act on them, though others outside the relationship might describe him/her as charismatic, charming even.
Oh, and he/she is cruel to animals.
The well-established links between animal abuse and domestic violence — that a person's mistreatment of animals can be a red flag or risk factor for their abuse of intimate partners, and a form of family violence itself — are increasingly being recognised in legislation, mainstream media and popular culture.

​Read the full story here.

How I recognised I was in an emotionally abusive relationship

26/3/2019

 
Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Comments and conversations can have a huge impact on the way someone feels about themselves and their relationship.

Read the full story here.

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It's time to stop the slaughter in our neighbourhoods

25/3/2019

 
Every two minutes, police are called to a family violence matter. Every week, a woman is killed by a current or former partner. This is Australia's national emergency. Violence against women is preventable. It is not an inevitable part of the human condition. It's time to create a new normal. It is time to stop the slaughter in our suburbs.

Read the full article here
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Gaslighting: A Slow-Burning Emotional Abuse Tactic

24/3/2019

 
The 1944 Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer film Gaslight (1944), is based on a 1938 play,  is an excellent example of how emotional abuse can slowly creep up upon an otherwise healthy, innocent target, only to overwhelm and devour the abused person’s sense of reality, self-confidence, and personal power over time.
Gaslighting in 2019 exists by an abuser denying the confirmation of reality to his/her target be that person be a partner, family member or colleague. Such a lack of validation or confirmation of reality is a slow and insidious process whereby the targeted person comes to doubt his/her sense of reality Over time, self-esteem is also stripped until he/she realises he/she has been denied trust and honesty.


​Read the full story here.

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Tech torment: How smart home technologies are being used by domestic abusers

15/3/2019

 
Imagine your thermostat kicking up to 100 degrees, music suddenly blasting in your home, your door locking remotely. These are some of the new ways experts say domestic abusers are terrorising their victims. Internet-connected household objects like lights and thermostats can be controlled remotely and are being used as a means for abusers to harass, monitor or control their victims.


​Read the full article here.
Protect yourself by:
. changing all of your passwords including on your wireless router
. updating all your safety net features
. implement a two-step verif
ication log-in by text or email whenever your password is changed
. don't use 
security questions such as “what is your mother’s maiden name?” or “what street did you grow up on?” as these are questions that an abuser who knows you can easily answer
. check here for more hints, tips and how-tos
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"Falling in Love" - an early warning sign of a possibly abusive relationship we've been conditioned to ignore

13/3/2019

 
Have you watched the Netflix series Dirty John or its podcast/documentary? It's a true crime story like no other because it highlights one of the most terrifying warning signs of an abusive relationship of how the experience of 'love', of how over the top kindness can be used as a form of manipulation and control.

The story's abuse narrative doesn't start with John Meehan’s fiery temper or checking his partners' phones in the middle of the night. It doesn't start with degradation or cruelty or control. What it does start with is with kindness, courtesy, an abundance of attention and being spoilt.

And that's the problem, isn't it? We deserve kindness, courtesy, an abundance of attention and being spoilt. Why should we be wary or suspicious of that? That's not a way to live, is it?

But I guess the lesson here is that there's kindness and there's kindness, there's courtesy and there's courtesy, there's an abundance of attention and being spoilt and an abundance of attention and being spoilt. What's normal, what's reasonable, and what's a red flag?

When we 'fall' in love we can't help it, we can't control it and we can't stop midway through the fall. And that's what we've grown up to accept, expect and believe. After all, every fairy tale, every Disney movie, every romcom has taught us that falling in love is [read 'should be'] immediate, swift and overpowering.

And it can be. But it can also be a red flag of a potentially abusive relationship. It might be the beginning of control and threats and emotional abuse and if it is that beginning, by the time it is, the victim is in far too deep.

Dr McMillan makes the point, "For too long we've told women to be careful, but we only gave them the warning signs about the negative behaviour. We haven't shown how the over the top positive behaviour is also an indicator."
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