​Abuse comes in many forms including physical, verbal, emotional and sexual. People being abused by their partners are not always constantly being abused and the abuse is never inflicted at totally random times. Rather, studies show that there is a definite pattern to Relationship Abuse which is recurring and appears to have three distinct phases. 

Relationship Abuse typically follows a distinct pattern, known as the Cycle of Abuse, which comprises thee phases:
  1. Honeymoon Phase
  2. Tension Building Phase
  3. Explosive Phase

Over time, the Abuse Cycle tends to speed up, increasing in occurrence and intensity. The Honeymoon Phase may shorten whilst the Abuse and/or Violence Phase may become more drawn out.
1. Honeymoon phase:
This phase is how the relationships start. But in potentially abusive relationships, this is also the phase where the perpetrator creates a safe space filled with love and a sense of security in the relationship.

When this phase belongs in an abusive relationship, it follows an episode of abuse or violence with the perpetrator acting in ways they know their partner would want and appreciate. This creates a significant pull for the person who experienced the abuse/violence because their original feelings of love are played with and manipulated. 

The perpetrator may:
  • feel guilty and sad
  • cry and ask for forgiveness
  • make promises to change his/her behaviour
  • be loving and kind
  • give presents, flowers, etc.

The victim may:
  • ​feel happier and hopeful
  • feel sympathetic towards his/her perpetrator
  • believe what partner is saying is true​​

2. Tension Building phase:
During this phase, the person experiencing the abuse tends to become aware that tension  is increasing. The abusive partner may give the other partner the 'silent treatment', refusing to answer them or answering only in grunts. 

The perpetrator may:
  • fear rejection and use abuse to control the other party
  • blame his/her partner for his/her problems
  • be jealous and/or possessive
  • withdraw and sulk
  • become verbally and emotionally abusive
  • become even more controlling and demanding
  • use language such as 'Don’t push it' or 'If you loved me, you would...'
​
The victim may:
  • think s/he deserves it
  • feel angry, hopeless, embarrassed, humiliated and/or afraid
  • feel like s/he is 'walking on eggshells'
  • try to become even more nurturing
  • resort to self-medication as an avoidance technique

The children may:
  • feel confused, tense and afraid
  • 'walk on eggshells'
  • become angry with the abused parent for not 'fixing' the problem

​3. Explosive phase:
The tension continues to grow until the abusive behaviour occurs whether it’s verbal, emotional,  sexual and/or physical. The person experiencing the abuse can do nothing to prevent the abusive behaviour and the abusive partner will find an excuse for his/her abuse often using language like 'You pushed me too far this time' or 'Why would you make me do this to you?'

The perpetrator may:
  • feel self-righteous or jealous
  • show rage
  • desire to 'teach him/her a lesson'
  • threaten
    eg. If you tell, I will take the kids
  • become dangerously violent
  • deliberately want to hurt or kill

The victim may:
  • feel afraid, trapped, helpless or numb
  • try to protect him/herself
  • hit back or submit helplessly

The children may:
  • feel afraid, trapped, helpless and confused
  • watch helplessly
  • hide
  • attempt to defend the victim by attacking the perpetrator
  • attempt to help the perpetrator even by joining in beating the victim​​

*Back to the Honeymoon phase*
After the abusive event, the abusive partner generally tries to get the relationship back the Honeymoon Phase by becoming the partner the abused person originally fell in love with. The abusive partner is often sincerely sorry for his/her abuse promising to 'never do it again', to go to counselling, to stop drinking, etc.  

The perpetrator may:
  • feel genuine remorse
  • apologise
    eg. 'I love you. I’m sorry'
  • attempt to excuse the abuse
    eg. 'I was drunk'
  • beg for forgiveness
    'It’ll never happen again'
    'We can work it out; I’ll go for counselling'
  • romance the victim with attention and gifts​
The cycle shortens and shortens:
The Tension Phase inevitably rebuilds and another abusive or violent act occurs.  Over time the Honeymoon Phase shortens:
until it disappears completely: