Helping
                                   a friend
           

Helpful things to do:

1. Approach her about the abuse in a sensitive way.
   For example 'I'm worried about you because...'
   
   

2. Believe what she tells you!
   It would have taken a lot for her to talk to you and trust you.
   
   

3. Take the abuse seriously.
   Abuse can be damaging both physically and emotionally, and is very destructive to someones self-confidence. Her boyfriend or partner could be placing her in real physical danger.
   
   

4. Focus on her safety.
   Talk to her. about her safety and how she could protect herself.
   
   

5. Help her to recognise the abuse and understand how it may be affecting her.
   
   

6. Recognise and support her strength and courage.
   
   

7. Help her understand that the abuse is not her fault and that no-one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do.
   
   

8. Listen to her and help her to think about her relationship, whether she wants to break up or stay, and how she can protect herself from any more abuse.
   
   

9. Offer help to protect her but only if you are not putting your own safety at risk.
   For example, you could offer to be around when the abuser is there, give her lifts home, take phone messages from the abuser, etc.
   
   

10. Encourage her to talk to a counsellor, or talk to a counsellor yourself about what you could do to support her.
    
    

11. If you feel overwhelmed or frightened yourself, get help.
    
    

12. Call 000 if your friend is in immediate danger!
    
    

Unhelpful things to do:

1. Don't blame her for the abuse or ask judgemental questions like 'What did you do to make him treat you like that?' or 'Why don't you just break up with him?'
   
   

2. Don't focus on trying to work out the abusers reasons for the abuse. Concentrate on supporting her and on what she can do to protect herself and her children if she has any.
   
   

3. Try not to be impatient or critical of her if she is confused about what to do, or if she says that she still loves her partner.
   It's difficult for anyone to break up a relationship and especially hard if they are being abused.
   
   

Useful questions you could ask:

1. What can I do to help?
   
   

2. How has his behaviour made you feel?
   
   

3. How have you been coping with the abuse?
   
   

4. What can you do to make yourself safer?
   
   

5. Are you more afraid of leaving or staying?